Love And Other Idiocies
by Raziel12
Summary: Love makes fools of us all, especially Fang and Lightning. A series of snippets and short stories about the idiotic things love makes our favourite former l'Cie do. Chapter 1: Fang vs a beach umbrella, Lightning and proposals, and Lightning vs… a crocodile?


**Lightning and Fang**

**Eyes Front**

Fang liked to believe that the world was a just place in which the wicked were punished and the good were rewarded. That would certainly explain why she had been blessed with the best view in the entire universe. Saving the world was clearly worth a lot of brownie points with the Maker.

Yes, Fang was walking behind Lightning along the beach, and Lightning was in a bikini. It was almost enough to make her wax lyrical about the other woman and her fine… assets. Really, it was hard to imagine how her day could possibly get any better. She had an absolutely perfect view of the soldier's long, perfect legs and her toned, equally perfect ass. All she needed now was for Lightning to turn a little bit to the side, and she'd be able to see –

WHACK.

The world was indeed a just place. And although Fang had helped save the world, she had also stolen Vanille's toast for breakfast.

X X X

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

"Do you think she's dead?"

"No, she twitched when I poked her."

Fang groaned and opened her eyes to find Vanille and Serah staring down at her. The redhead even had a stick in one hand, and she didn't look the least bit guilty about it. "What happened?"

Vanille giggled. "Do you want to hear the long version or the short version?"

"The short version." Fang groaned.

"Basically, you were staring at Lightning's ass so hard that you didn't notice the beach umbrella I set up. You kind of walked into it and knocked yourself out."

"…." Fang blinked. "Oh."

"Yep." Serah snickered. "My sister's ass is a deadly weapon."

The owner of the aforementioned deadly ass scowled as pushed past Serah and Vanille so that she could lean over Fang. "I think you've got a concussion too."

Fang stared at Lightning. And then she stared at Lightning's chest, which looked every bit as good as the rest of her in a bikini. "Your breasts are pretty deadly too."

Lightning raised one eyebrow. "You've definitely got a concussion." Her lips twitched, and she turned and walked away, hips swaying perhaps more than was necessary. "But thanks."

X X X

**Proposal**

Lightning was renowned for her calm under fire. It didn't matter how dire the situation was, there was nothing she couldn't handle with skill and aplomb once she put her mind to it. Well, she did have one tiny weakness, a miniscule, little weakness that wasn't normally a problem but which was about to become more of a catastrophe.

The truth was that Lightning had the emotional intelligence of a rock, and not even a particularly shiny rock. She was that dull rock wedged in amongst all the others and covered in moss. Oh, she could inspire people and rally them behind her. She could even handle grief and sorrow. But when it came to matters of the heart, to matters of a more tender and delicate nature, she was absolutely clueless.

Normally, this wouldn't have been that big a deal. She had been blessed with a wonderful girlfriend who didn't mind her quirks. Fang even found the fact that she was the emotional equivalent of a rabid hedgehog to be somewhat adorable.

But this was different, very different.

Lightning was finally ready to admit that she didn't just love Fang. She loved her – as in forever and ever loved her. And once she'd admitted that to herself, her course of action became clear. If she loved Fang that much, then she wanted Fang to be with her for the rest of her life. One of the best ways to ensure that was to marry her, to commit in the firmest, most public way possible.

There was just one problem: marrying Fang involved proposing.

Now, Lightning was not the cleverest emotional rock in the quarry, but she understood enough to realise how important a good proposal was. Serah still gushed over how romantic Snow's proposal had been. Not only would Lightning hate to lose to Snow at anything but she also wanted to give Fang those same kind of happy memories.

Fang deserved the best, but how could Lightning deliver the best? How could she pull off a suitably romantic proposal? The easy part – all things considered – was coming up with an appropriately romantic situation. She had the might of the Guardian Corps behind her, to say nothing of what she could achieve when she put her mind to something.

But a romantic situation was not enough. Lightning wanted to let Fang know how she really felt, which meant using words – romantic words – and that was where she needed all the help she could get.

There was only one person she could turn to.

And that person was definitely not Vanille.

X X X

"Serah, I need your help!"

The mere fact that Lightning wanted her help was enough to set Serah on edge. As a rule, Lightning did not ask for help. If she were bleeding to death, she might – maybe – ask for assistance while acting as though she were perfectly fine.

Serah put down the sweater she was knitting for Snow and took a quick look out the window. No, fire was not raining down from the sky and a portal had not opened up from an alternate dimension unleashing a swarm of monsters.

"You need my help?"

"Yes." Lightning nodded firmly. "It's very important."

"And I'm not going to have to kill anything and nothing is going to try to kill me?"

Lightning paused, and Serah waited for a monster of some kind to come crashing through the wall. "No."

"Okay then." Serah patted a spot on the couch beside her. "Have a seat. Now, how can I help you?"

Lightning sat down and then breathed deeply. Serah had to fight to keep calm. She'd never seen her sister look so troubled before. Maybe the world really was ending. Maybe the Guardian Corps had been keeping it a secret from everyone, and Serah would be the first person outside of the Corps to know. Maybe…

"I need to practice my proposal to Fang on you."

"…" Serah shook her head. Surely, she'd misheard. "I beg your pardon."

What followed was a healthy serving of verbal gobbledegook with a nice side of emotional meltdown. It involved, in no particular order, Fang, a marriage proposal, hedgehogs with rabies, and a great deal of hand wringing and at least one screech of frustration.

"So…" Serah sighed. "Let me get this straight. You want to know if your marriage proposal is romantic enough by trying it out on me first?"

"Yes."

"Lightning…" Serah patted her sister's hand. "I don't think Fang will mind, as long as it's from you. She already knows how you are."

"Yes, but I want to do this right. I want to make it special. She deserves special." Lightning's jaw clenched. "So, please, can we just do this?"

"Fine." Serah shrugged. "Let me hear it."

What followed was one of the most endearingly, idiotically, adorably, awkward proposals that Serah had ever heard. It even brought a tear to her eye although she wasn't sure if it was from amusement or raw emotion. At last, Lightning finished and looked deeply into her eyes.

"Will you marry me?"

And that, of course, was when Snow and Fang walked into the room.

X X X

"It's not funny!" Lightning tackled Fang to the ground as Snow and Serah snickered behind them. "I was not proposing to my sister."

"Oh, I don't know about that." Fang grabbed Lightning's hands and rolled, pinning the other woman to the floor. "You two looked pretty cosy on the couch there, and you've always been really close." She smirked. "Maybe Snow has some competition."

"Fang!"

Fang smiled softly. "Relax, I'm joking. I know what you were doing." She leaned down and pressed her forehead against Lightning's. "You don't have to worry so much. I'll love whatever proposal you put together." She chuckled. "And it does take the pressure off me to come up with something."

"Fang!"

"Look," Fang said. "No matter how good or how bad your proposal is, you should know that I'll say yes."

"You will?"

"Well, yeah. I love you."

Lightning yanked Fang down into a passionate kiss, one that only deepened as weeks of stress melted away and –

"Ahem." Serah cleared her throat. "None of that on my floor please."

X X X

**Just A Joke**

Lightning stared at the crocodile. The crocodile stared back at her. In one corner was one of the finest warriors that Cocoon had ever produced, the rising star of the Guardian Corps. In the other corner was one of nature's greatest creations, a reptilian killing machine of unmatched efficiency.

The two predators locked eyes, neither of them moving. Would the woman strike first or would the crocodile?

Normally, this was where sanity would have prevailed. But this was Lightning, and she'd made the mistake of listening to Vanille. Those two things – being Lightning and listening to Vanille – were not exactly hallmarks of sanity.

So what happened next?

Lightning leapt into the shallow water and flung her arms around the crocodile.

The battle was on.

X X X

Fang could barely believe what she was seeing. Her girlfriend had just waded into the lake and then leapt on top of a crocodile. Even for Lightning that was bizarre. The pair was now rolling around in the shallows, with Lightning maintaining an iron grip on the crocodile's jaws as she rode out its thrashing and spinning. At the same time, she was slowly, but surely, locking in a chokehold on the beast.

Somehow, the soldier was winning. Indeed, she emerged from the lake a few minutes later, soggy but victorious, dragging the exhausted crocodile up onto the sand beside her. The reptile looked distinctly embarrassed at being beaten on its own turf, and Fang gave it a sympathetic nod before turning to Lightning.

"Lightning, why did you attack that crocodile?"

Lightning's brows furrowed. "I was supposed to, wasn't I?" Isn't this… I don't know… a Yun courtship ritual or something?"

Oh.

OH.

"Lightning, I don't know how to break this to you, but wrestling crocodiles isn't a Yun courtship ritual."

"But Vanille said…"

Fang sighed. Oh boy. "She probably did say something about how Yun courtship is so insane that we have to wrestle crocodiles to prove our love, right?"

Lightning's eye twitched. "So… she was lying. I'm going to kill her." She paused and eyed the crocodile speculatively. "Do you think I can fit that thing in her bed?"

"Sit down." Fang tugged Lightning down to sit beside her on the sand. "Vanille was probably joking – I don't think she meant for this to happen. Back in our day, people used to joke about Yun courtship rituals all the time. One of the most common jokes, the one that the Dia loved the most was, was that we had to wrestle crocodiles to prove out love. And it's not like all the jokes were even wrong. Some Yun courtship rituals are pretty bizarre and crazy."

"Like?"

"Think dead animals on your doorstep. Lots of dead animals."

"Oh."

"Anyway," Fang said. "I appreciate the effort. I really do." She shooed the crocodile away, and it departed, shooting Lightning one last glare as it slid back into the water. "But the next time you want to do some wrestling in water… just ask me."

X X X

**Author's Notes**

As always, I do not own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.

Love makes fools of us all… especially Fang and Lightning! I'm planning to make this a collection of humorous snippets and short stories focusing on the idiotic things people do because they are in love. Most of these will probably be about Fang and Lightning, but I will also be including a few chapters centred around other pairings too. After all, love makes fools out of everybody.

Also, I hope that all of you guys had a Merry Christmas, and I hope you all have a Happy New Year too.

I also write original fiction, mostly fantasy. You can find links to it in my profile. If you're looking for something fun to read, try _Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Elf_, or, if you want something more serious, try _The Last Huntress._

As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


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